Welcome to the new century.

I feel like punching something very hard. It's a great stress-relief mechanism, to shower gratuitous physical violence upon an object or a person. I wish to indulge myself in it.

Actually, maybe I should have some showered on me. Get beaten. To a bloody pulp. Like half-annihilated and almost dead. The sort of violence where the simplest thoughts and actions, such as BREATHE, BLINK, become tasks of great importance and skill. Where you don't so much begin to wish that it were over, because you're beyond pain, but you wish you could figure out what's actually going on. Beaten senseless. So that I look something like


Except with hair. I have nice hair. I'm half Mallu, you know.

I used to know a girl who would cut herself with a blade. She did it because physical pain was preferable to the other kind.

I'm beginning to understand the concept of Fight Club. Maybe we can start one. Disco Pig's Club of Fun Times. No punching on the nose, I'm all sneezy.

This is exactly the sort of behaviour that leads to schizophrenia and DID/MPD.

Remember the first rule?


"Ol' Miss Lucy's dead an' gone,
Left me here to weep and moan."

The last bubble. It's close to bursting. Anytime now.

Coincidentally, this is my 100th post. Very undramatic.

I've noticed that The Beatles' songs contain a lot of wisdom. You have to listen hard, but it's there.

Sometimes I feel like:

"...been torn apart.
Now he's a court jester
With a broken heart.
He said, 'Turn me around
And take me back to the start.
I must be losing my mind.'"

I spend money like a fool. All the alcohol, all the food, and I keep buying ridiculously expensive stuff for cars that I don't own and rarely drive.

But I read this today. And this one comparison of salaries struck me.

Glen Heroy, 45
Hospital clown
New York, N.Y.
$28,000

John Paulson, 52
Hedge-fund manager
New York, N.Y.$
$ 3.5 billion

Maybe I'd rather be Glen.

"Bring Sally up,
I bring Sally down..."

Random memory, in the misremembered and misquoted words of a fat, smelly Gujarati boy:
"You can get her to sing. I've discovered how. You have to catch her off guard. She was in the back of the car and the music was on, and she was singing along with it. Then I turned the music off, and she was singing and she didn't realise. It was beautiful."

I'm addicted to: G'n'R's version of Knockin', the guitar solo from 2:56 onwards. It's like Slash is in me, and my heart is his Fender, and it's SCREAMING.

Deep down inside, I've always had this unshakeable faith. In myself. That it would pan out. That things would be alright.

Now I'm not so sure.

I'm living in some bubble. In fact, I've lived in a series of bubbles, some concentric. One by one, they've burst. Now I'm on my last bubble, and it's going to pop very soon.

This whole straight and narrow thing, there's no point to it really. I've tried hard to do the right thing, as often as possible. Please everyone, be here, be there. Now the point is, you're so busy making everyone happy, you forget about what's happening to you. When it happens, all the people you tried to make happy are so busy being happy, they can't be bothered. Parents, friends, it doesn't really matter. What matters is self, as in selfish. I wish I were.

There was supposed to be a point that I was arriving at. But I can't seem to put my finger on it. Oh well, much like everything else, I've lost track.

Three things strike me. One written by a sometime team-mate and somewhat friend. One written by an American columnist. And one written for Kevin Arnold.

Prashant Iyengar: "Rostom Marker's entire family was killed in that accident. And there's nobody to mourn his death.. nobody to feel his absence. Makes me wonder...if memory is the pillar of existence.. Rostom never existed."

Mary Schmich: "Whatever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much, or berate yourself either. Your choices are half chance. So are everybody else's."

Kevin Arnold: "Memory is a way of holding onto... the things you are..."

Four boys meet.

Twelve years on, they meet again.

One of them is a drug dealer. One of them is a failed engineer. One of them is a restaurateur. One of them is an investment banker. One of them is always drunk. One of them builds cars. One of them builds portfolios. One of them bakes cakes. One of them may be gay. One of them may be dead soon.

One of them looks at the others with amusement. One of them envies the others for what they have. One of them envies the others for what they have become. One of them envies the others for what they can be.

One of them is me.


"We've come a long, long way together,
Through the bad times and the good.
I have to celebrate you baby,
I have to praise you like I should."

Happy Holi!

I know what it's like. I used to work with them. You can make that 68.

......

...I hope you're standing.

Memories of a different time. A simpler time. The magic of YouTube and the right search words.

Sweet memories. They sure don't make them like they used to.

"Bathed in blue, the walls of my memory divide..."

Will someone please take the bullseye off my back? I can't seem to reach it.

"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover."
Clemens, S.L.

Do this: Sit down. Pass the back of your hand near your nose and mouth. You will feel nothing. Now close your eyes and do it again. You will feel the warmth of your hand on your lips. You will smell your hand. You will be able to pinpoint sounds and their sources more accurately.

When you lose your sight, the other senses try to compensate by amplifying themselves. This doesn't happen with any other sense. Maybe that's because sight is the most important.

Right now, the thing I'd like second-to-most is to learn to take good photographs. Pictures are like frozen slices of time, that you can always go back to. Music may bring memories of a time back, but pictures actually take you there.


"Your looks are laughable, unphotographable
Yet you're my favourite work of art."

Closed books are better than open ones. They stay cleaner.

Work is what you're busy doing while life passes you by.

One of the most humbling feelings is to look at your parents, and wish you were them.

So I was looking at my tshirt and wondering.

It's one of those things that your parents bring you in the hope that you'll grow into. My dad lugged it back from DC in the summer of 95, and promptly mothballed it until 2003, whereupon I used it as a rag/mop/bathmat and also wore while doing things to my Herald.

It came out of a 4-pack of them. I asked my dad why on earth he bought 4 tshirts that said Washington DC, and he was like, "Oh there was this Korean family selling them outside the Smithsonian, and it seemed like a bargain". Typical.

Even as a kid, it made me wonder. Selling tshirts outside a museum struck me as the sort of thing poor people did, and at 10 I didn't realise there were poor people in America. I mean, everyone drank Coke and ate burgers, and drove cars.

Then I began to understand. How some people are immigrants. How some people have no choice. How some people give it all up to start afresh, in the hope that things will be better.

It takes guts.

Once in a while, I think about that Korean family. I hope they made it. That their kids went to Harvard or Columbia or MIT, or wherever they wanted to. That they bought their Buick and paid off their mortgage.

It can't be too easy to leave your homeland. They're not particularly good at English, them Koreans. What made them leave the warmth and security of their country, to gamble on a better life thousands of miles away? No knowledge of where they were going, no one to fall back on, no guarantee of success.

Just hope.

It's always hope. Hope that things will get better. Hope that one day, your children will have a better life than you did. Hope that you will have all that you ever wanted. Hope that one day you will find happiness.


"And it’s hope that keeps me holding on
It’s just hope that makes me carry on"

Blah. Bleah. Bleargh.

Snap out of it. Stop moaning.

How?


"When you try and try and you don't succeed..."

Things I've learnt over the last year or so:

- Most people suck.

- You cannot trust anyone.

- Friends are an illusion. Friendship, doubly so. People take what they want, and give what they feel like. If this mutual whoremongering works out, beautiful. Otherwise, fuck off.

- It's your life. No one else cares. Don't expect them to, either.

- It has little to do with how hard you work or strive for something. Shit happens.

- Alcohol never solved anything. But then, neither did milk. So drink as much as you want.

- I'm really bad with money.

- Grab that holiday while you can. You may never get the chance again.

- Grab whatever it is, while you can. You may never get the chance again.

- Nothing lasts forever.

- Driving drunk may be dangerous, but it's fun as hell.

- When faced with a situation, ask yourself 'What's the point?' The right path will become apparent.

- Most people don't suck. They all do.

For teaching me to

Believe. Laugh. Learn. Love. Live. Dance. Listen. Smile. Trust. Think. See. Enjoy. Dream. Cry. Covet. Hold. Touch. Sense. Care. Open my eyes. Take pride in. Believe in myself. Speak my mind. Hold a hand. Lean on someone. Break free. Be brave. Think about myself. Live for today. Live for someone. Believe in someone. Give it all I've got. Give it a shot. Open my eyes. Take joy in. Smell the flowers. Chase the sun.

For teaching me to be me, by being you.

Thank you.

Sadhappy.

To the man who had the vision to change history. Who had the courage to pursue his dream. Who had the faith in his people, and his country, to overcome all odds.

Fifty years from now, they will speak of it in the same breath as the Beetle, and the Model T. And then we will say, yes, we were there. We saw it take shape. We were there.

Ratan Tata, I bow to you.


"A promise is a promise."

Someone wise once said: "The hardest thing you can do is make people believe. To believe in you. To believe in themselves. To believe in the truth."

I startle myself.

The new year resolution is happy, or bust.

So, within a given timeframe, I will be (tick one):
- Happy [ ]
- Bust [ ]

Thing is, I don't know the timeframe.


"C'mon baby, take a chance with us
And meet me at the back of the blue bus
Doin a blue rock
On a blue bus"

I think Bangalore is beautiful.

.

.

"We all live in a yellow submarine"

"You don't win silver, you lose gold."

So this is how it feels to not get what you want.

"Second is first among the losers."

Rage. Blood red rage.

Lots of anger and hate.

"Young at heart and it gets so hard to wait
When no one I know can seem to help me now"

It seems so far away, just like yesterday, an eternity ago, little large heads with big, wide eyes and curly hair. Driving home for the first time, like everytime.

"So nobody ever told us baby
How it was gonna be
So what'll happen to us baby
Guess we'll have to wait and see"

It feels like I've failed this really big exam and now I have to face the consequences. My throat swells up with fear/anxiety, my cheeks flush, my head and eyes ache, all the usual "Erm, Mom and Dad, I didn't do too well..." symptoms. Except they don't go away. For weeks on end.

"When I find out all the reasons
Maybe I'll find another way
Find another day
With all the changing seasons of my life
Maybe I'll get it right next time"

Lots of hate. Lots of love.

Lots of questions.

"Beyond the door
There's peace I'm sure
And I know there'll be no more
Tears in heaven"

"I knew the storm was getting closer
And all my friends said I was high
But everything we've ever known's here
I never wanted it to die "

Ironically,

"Tommy whispers 'Baby it's okay, someday
We've got to hold on to what we've got
It doesnt make a difference
If we make it or not"

In the end, Ozzy is always right...

"You made me cry, you told me lies
But I can't stand to say goodbye
Mama, I'm coming home
I could be right, I could be wrong
It hurts so bad, it's been so long
Mama, I'm coming home"

This has been the worst year ever. I hope I never see another one like it.

Fuck off 2007.

They will perform his last rites tomorrow morning, when children wake up to find their presents.

First it was The Bangalore Torpedo. Then it was Essel. Then hAAthi. Now Sister Bliss has disappeared. The world is shrinking, and it ain't very nice.



In memory of a tale, untitled, written by my own mother Mary.


"And when the broken hearted people living in the world agree, there will be an answer, let it be.
For though they may be parted there is still a chance that they will see, there will be an answer, let it be."

Writing helps. Or atleast, it makes me happy.


"Remember the day
I set you free"

"So let it out and let it in..."

It's like all the constants are disappearing. The familiar and mundane are no more. It's a whole new world, and no one's told me how to live in it.

Guess who's gone?!

And I feel totally youknowwhatted. Six big fat fuckin' drinks at Opus doesn't help. Neither does the fact that I got most of the answers right, but my team-mate forgot to write our table number down.

This made up it for somewhat. I actually kept ahead of him for a bit.


"A wild ride, over stony ground
Such a lust for life, the circus comes to town
We are the hungry ones, on a lightning raid
Just like a river runs, like a fire needs flame"

For some reason, at this moment, I wish I were Shilo.


"...soar to the sun and look down at the sea
And I'd sing, cos I'd know how it feels to be free"

The 14th was one of the worst days of my life.

Cheerupcheerupcheerupchinupcheerup. Whoopdedoo then.

Oh, and the Torpedo & The Other have upped and left. Sex bomb.

When it rains, it fucking comes down like everyone's just pissing all over you. After an all-night drinking session.

And WHY THE FUCK DOES MY WMP ALWAYS PLAY IRIS?! Do I fucking look like I need to hear 'You're the closest to heaven I'll ever be'?!

No fucking song for anyone today. Fuck off.


ps. sounds like Dr Pissed.

What if... a long, long time ago... somebody told you that you would one day live on a beautiful planet, surrounded by stars and mountains and oceans and where almost anything was possible...

What if they told you that you'd have the ability to laugh and sing and love... and that you'd also be met by many interesting, sometimes painful challenges, all of them designed to teach you important lessons you will need for future journeys.

What if somebody told you this hundreds of years ago - before you were even born? Would you have believed them?


"Mother mother, tell your children
That their time has just begun"

Alcohol magnifies.

Everything.


"We don't need no false control."

1. What is your middle name?
I don't have one.

2. How big is your bed?
Big enough for me.

3.What are you listening to right now?
Agnisakshi - Kitna Mushkil Hai.

4. What was the last thing you ate?
One scoop fig 'n' honey, one scoop butterscotch.

5. Last person you hugged?
Teju Auntie. My mom.

6. How is the weather right now?
Cold. Rainy.

7. Who was the last person you talked to on the phone?
I think it was Sreshta.

8. The first thing you notice about the opposite sex?
The way they look?!

9. Favorite type of Food?
Edible. Spicy. Tangy. Tasty. Non-vegetarian. Dessert. Icecream.

10. Do you want children?
Yes. But I can't have them.

11. Have you ever cried over a love lost?
Yes.

12. Last Movie you watched?
Johnny Gaddaar.

13. Do you have any piercings?
None. Needles terrify me.

14. Favorite Movie?
T2: Judgement Day. Blade. I don't know, there are just so many.

15. What were you doing before filling this out?
Random reading.

16. Have you ever loved someone?
Yes.

17. Who would you like to see right now?
Someone who gives me a shitload of money.

18. What color are your bedroom walls?
Cream/off white. Bleah.

19. Have you ever fired a gun?
Yes. Many. Airguns. 9mms. LMGs. MMGs. HMGs.

20. Do you like to travel by plane?
Yes

21. Right-handed or Left-handed?
Right-handed.

22. If you could go to any place right now where would you go?
The past.

23. Are you missing someone?
Yes. No. It's a tough call.

24. Do you still watch cartoons on Saturday mornings?
No, but I wish I did.

25. What is the wallpaper on your cellphone?
Still my bike.

26. Favorite hangout:
Used to be Purple Haze. Then Spinn. In between, a succession of garages and Coffee Days, and a Barista. Now I think it's Sutra.

27. 3 things you can't live without?
Speed. Food. Sleep.

28. Favorite songs?
A lot of Bon Jovi, GNR, I love rock. Some Tupac. Shit man, I listen to a lot of stuff.

29. What are you afraid of?
The future. Myself.

30. Are you a giver or a taker?
I would like to say both, but I suspect it's a bit more of the latter.

31. What are your nicknames?
I don't have any, unless you count fuckshay and viper.

32. What do you sleep in?
Boxers

33. Stuck on a deserted island, and can only bring one thing?
Satellite phone with full network coverage and battery.

34. First thing you'll save in a fire?
People! Myself!!

35. What is your favorite color?
BLUE!!!

36. What are the things you always bring with you?
Phones. Money, if I have any.

37. What did you want to be when you were a kid?
Nothing major. A Harvard MBA. I'm really boring.

38. What do you usually do when the alarm turns on?
Put it off and go back to sleep.

39. What do you think about before you go to bed?
Whether I will fall asleep. How tough it would be to drive an LP640 in Bangalore.


"We can pack up our old dreams
And our old lives
We'll find a place where the sun still shines"

"You have an unusual equipment for success, use it properly." That's what my fortune is today, on orkut.

I'm going to be a porn star.

"Sexy sexy sexy, mujhe log bole
Hi sexy, hello sexy, kyun bole?"

Things that I miss:
Companionship. Someone to take care of me. Someone to call at 3:21 am. Someone to laugh with. Friendship. Laughs. Someone to cry at. Someone to hold. Someone to hold me when I'm drunk. Someone to drive me home. Someone to drive home. Someone to giggle with. Someone who understands me. Someone to write letters to. Someone to hang out with. Someone to be myself wth. Someone to share long drives with. Someone to dance with. Someone to love.

"When the truth is found to be lies
And all the joy within you dies
Don't you want somebody to love?
Don't you need somebody to love?
Wouldn't you love somebody to love?"

I feel like shit.

"And it's hard to hold on
When there's no one to lean on..."

The best things in life.

"My heart's like an open book
For the whole world to read
Sometimes nothing keeps me
Together at the seams

I'm on my way
I'm on my way
Home sweet home"

The wonder of flight is one thing. But this is different. This was paid for.

This, I earned.


"I ain't got no money
I ain't got no car to take you on a date
I can't even buy you flowers..."

Today I'm the person who drops it all for you. Tomorrow I'm just another strange face, in another strange place.

Nothing is more crushing than not being treated the way you treat someone else.

'...but life still goes on..."

Everybody lies. White black pink, they're all there, all the time. It's not lying, it's just your version of the truth.

'Maybe if you just tell me a lie...'

I've never felt more pathetic in my life.

It's a dark and rainy night...



...and I'm looking at someone else's drink!


"Kyun aaj-kal neend kam, khwaab zyaada hai..."

...or how forks are always better to use...


"Forget what we're told..."

A walk. At midnight.
A drive. Along a winding road.
A drink. At the bar.
A movie. On the couch.
A smile. In a faded phototgraph.

A memory. From the past.

"Now your pictures that you left behind
Are just memories of a different life"

"Against my will I stand beside my own reflection
It's haunting how I can't seem... to find myself again
My walls are closing in
Without a sense of confidence and I'm convinced that there's just too much pressure to take
I've felt this way before
So insecure"



"Well I need someone to hold me
But I'll wait for something more
Yes I've gotta have faith..."

I've slept 16 hours straight. I suspect it's because I'm not well. I also suspect that that's just a convenient excuse.

School and cable TV. Wednesday nights at 9.30. Did you see what happened?!

6 years later...

School and cable TV. Every evening at 5.00. Did you see what happened?!

I wouldn't have missed it for the world!

'Tis the season of grass, and watching old matches brings back memories. Of curling into a chair to watch people scale height of greatness that mortals only dream about. And that brought back some memories. Of gods among men. And women.

Fraulein Forehand : The greatest women's player of my childhood. I only began to appreciate how great when she was near retirement. Her mastery was absolute, her dedication was laser-like, her forehand was savage.

Czech mate: She did it all. And did it all again. And again. The unstoppable Martina.

The Punisher: From the long-haired freak with the neon racquet at my first Championships, to the man who overcame everything to win again. The only man to be ranked Top 10 in 3 different decades.

Pistol Pete: The king of Wimbledon. Simply the best. Like Becker said "He has the keys to the place". A serve that was poetry in motion, a backhand that was devastating, a game that was perfect.

The Rabbit: Always No. 1 to me. The heartbreak of losing 3 finals, a wildcard entry, and then this. An epic, 3 hour plus five-setter. The only time I cried while watching anything. Probably the best serve ever. "In every game I play there are three players in me that could surface anytime, Good Goran, Bad Goran, Crazy Goran! They can all serve aces."

.

.

"For those of you, for those who rock

Yeah

We salute you"

This place used to be funny. Look at the archives. Now I'm just all sad blah blah depressed blah blah self-doubt blah blah.

I want to go back to the old me. 2003. That was probably the single best year of my life. Probably.

"Oh how I want to be free, baby
Oh how I want to be free..."

Where I'm going next:



God's own country.

"Can't you see it in my eyes
This might be my last goodbye"

RD. SBK. VFR. VF. Honda. Yamaha. Motorsmiths. Tyres. Yokohama. Michelin. Koshy's. Rohith. Job. Salary. Rain. Exams. Helmet. Puma. Driving. Racing. Speed Run. Audi. Land Cruiser. Girls. Friends. Betrayals. Stupidity. Alcohol. Alcoholism. Sutra. Purple Haze. Adam. Swedes. Floyd. Stupid Brits. Drunk old men. Beer. Vodka. Scotch. Forest. Safari. Sumo. Drive. Drink. Eat. Brain. Party. Sick child. Old men. Drunk old men. Stupid old men. Inferiority complex. Calm down. Peace. Scream. 1.30 am. Civility. Life. Death. Love. Hate. Silence. Rock music. Benny Benassi. Cake. Tequila. Fights. Punches. Wounds. Tears. Fears. Tears.

Tears.

"Times have changed, and times are strange..."

He's got a smile that it seems to me




Reminds me of childhood memories

To Jee, Shan and Nathaniyal, who will always be Shah Rukh to me.


"Where do we go now..."

Blue skies from pain.


"We're just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl, year after year,
Running over the same old ground.
What have we found? The same old fears.
Wish you were here."

1. Do u like ur name and know its origin?
Never given it much thought, and yes, I know its origin, or what it means.

2. If given a choice sex or food???
Tough tough. Sex on the dining table. Eating food off someone.

3. Do you love your siblings/cousins??
Some of them. Not all.

4. Do you believe in angels??
Yes. Heavenly ones and the ones that you meet around the corner.

5. Whats the one thing that brings a twinkle to your eye??
Speed. Rock music. Good food. Damn, just one?

6. When was the last time, you did something meaningful for someone else?
Erm, I got a friend cheap tyres some time ago...

7. What are you listening to right now?
Guns 'n' Roses - November Rain. Probably one of the greatest rock ballads ever.

8. Will you go to heaven or hell?
I don't know. I hope heaven is a fun place.

9. Poster paints or watercolours or crayons?
I don't know the difference, but poster paints sound like fun.

10. Favourite time of the day?
Sleeptime, mealtime, drivetime.

"We've been through this such a long long time
Just tryin' to kill the pain
But lovers always come and lovers always go
And no one's really sure who's lettin' go today
Walking away..."

Guns N' Roses - November Rain

I feel the need to write, to say something. I don't know what. I'm surrounded by half-truths, shadows, ambiguities, uncertainties. And alcohol. Lots of alcohol.

It's strange. I've never felt the need to wake up in the middle of the night and write. Until now. And yet, I don't know what to say.

Are all good writers gay?

When I was younger (not that I'm terribly aged), the words used to flow more easily. It's easier when life is less complicated.

Jesus, I sound like I'm on death row.


"One fine day we'll fly away
Don't you know that Rome wasn't built in a day"

Into the great wide open...


"Let me take you far away,
You'd like a holiday.
Exchange your cold days for the sun,
Good times and fun..."

Over the hills and far away...


"And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand..."

1. Pick out a scar you have, and explain how you got it.
Black mole-like thing on my right wrist. It's an embedded pencil lead. Don't ask how...

2. What is on the walls in your room?
Nothing. Used to be a coupla posters of the Murcielago and the Brera, and a Ninja vs Busa race.

3. Whats your phone like?
Cool symmetrical, rounded yet angular, chrome, matte, satin finished, black, powerful, useful, Nokia.

4. What music do you listen to?
Anything. English, Hindi, Swahili, French, house, techno, rock, metal, hip-hop...

5. What is your current desktop picture?
Dodge Viper, and my bike.

6. What do you want more than anything right now?
To be happy

7. Do you believe in gay marriage?
Stupid and illogical question. If you mean do I support it, yes, I do. People should be allowed to do what they want.

8. What time were you born?
3.53 am.

9. Are your parents still together?
Yes.

10. What are you listening to?
The sound of the fan. Fatboy Slim - Don't Let The Man Get You Down. Tomorrow, Aerosmith.

11. Do you get scared of the dark?
No.

12. The last person to make you cry?
Me?

13. What is your favorite perfume/cologne?
I'm bad with names. Most of them smell good, though.

14. What kind of hair/eye colour do you like on the opposite sex?
Anything. I'm not one for stereotypes or fetishes.

15. Do you like pain killers?
Never tried them.

16. Are you too shy to ask someone out?
I don't know. Haven't tried it in years. Maybe. Depends. I'm full of ambiguities.

17. Favorite pizza topping?
Chicken of all sorts. Ham. Bacon. Pork. Pepperoni. Extra cheese.

18. If you could eat anything right now, what would it be?
That bloody pizza question did it. Extra cheese and pepperoni for me. Chocolate shake, mousse, HCF magnum too. With some biriyani and Pepsi. How about a Subway sandwich?

19. Who was the last person you made mad?
Me?

20. Is anyone in love with you?
I hope so. I need it.

"And the sign said, long haired freaky people need not apply..."

The problem is blame. Who do I blame? I blame myself. I blame my parents. I blame my friends. I blame my lack of friends. I blame myself.

I hate the rain. I love the rain. I don't know anything. My thoughts are random and scattered, and I am losing my grip on reality. I would call it dropping the ball, but I suspect I've never held it in the first place.

When it rains, it pours. Like it has over the last few days. Nothing seems to be going right. I wish things would go right and I didn't have to fight to get my way all the time. I wish people cared. I wish I had someone to talk to. I wish I could stop wishing for things I'll never have.

It is such a wretched feeling to be held prisoner to others' whims and fancies, to others' wishes and vagaries. I detest the feeling of powerlessness that pervades my days. Held prisoner to the whims of my parents, the BMTC, the rain gods, the garage mechanics, the college idiots, I hate it all.

You lose track of who you are and what you want. Sometimes it's too late. I've discovered this.

I'm sorry. For not being there. For not being on time. For not taking time out. For not thinking. For not caring. And now I will live with the guilt to the day I die.

This was supposed to be longer. But the words won't flow.

Speed speed speed, I NEED SPEED!

"We hold each other closer, as we shift to overdrive

And eveyrthing goes rushing by, with every nerve alive..."

"...I am a traveller of both time and space"




"All I see turns to brown, as the sun burns the ground"




"My shangri-la beneath the summer moon, I will return again"


"Oh let the sun beat down upon my face..."

Choices. I make them, and they all seem wrong. I hope they turn out right. I hope I turn out right.

"Time have changed and times are strange
Here I come, but I ain't the same..."

There are the sort that you meet, hit it off with, and lose touch with. Then there are the other sort. The sort that you call at 3 am. The sort that you miss when you move away. The sort that you wouldn't think you'd ever miss. The sort that make that leap of faith, to keep in touch, when you won't.


Mohit: It all starts here. The kid who broke his hand and borrowed my homework. Mr Bhalla's birthday party: the social event of the 3rd grade. Learnt to play cricket, rather badly, with him. Funnily, he plays rather well. Mr Perfect Host. Mr Perfect. Probably won't remember, but he knew Malkit Singh's Gur Nal Ishq Mita before it became famous. Now an investment consultant in his own white Accord. Always unflappable, always sophisticated, always Mr Mohit Bhalla.

Prathap: I only met him because his was the bus stop after mine. And my teacher thought since my English was good, I could decipher his accent. After all these years he still calls when he's in town. Standing invite to Chicago, IL. Near-doctor, tennis ace, sometime businessman, one-time best friend.

Dhruv: Maadu-man will always pull you down. You reach out for a high-five and he stares at you. Joke's on you suddenly. He's the guy that went to the P.Ed coach for 'maths tuition' and ended up captain of the cricket team. Lars Ulrich wannabe, though I suspect he likes John Bonham more. Always calls when he's in town. Makes that extra effort. I wish I did.

Namratha: The caterpillar that metamorphosed into Ms Reddy. Full-too, as she would say. Makes me laugh uncontrollably when I try to be nice to her. Has a surprisingly sharp eye for a good photo. The next Howard Roark, standing naked on the edge of the cliff. Lives here, lives there, keeps trying to go clubbing with me. Never happens. Well, she tries.

Mahua: Funnily, she finds her way into this list. Her presence is disarming. I see shades of myself in her, down to the dislike of parents and the life full of lectures. Her driving escapades are the stuff of legend, as is her relationship with Obata-san. Not sure what she wants or how, but like Baz said, some of the most interesting people never do.

Swati: I don't know what I did, but she's stopped talking to me, or so it would seem. Oh well, can't do much.

Anu: The person who calls on the last day of her holiday and then shouts at me for not calling her. Another architect, with another good eye for a pic. Current self-portrait in shades, fur and bling makes her look like gangsta.

Rahul: Another surprise entry. Wild-card seems more appropriate. Driving skill of a pro, mental state of a 13 year old. Well, physical state too. Ultra-loyal, and you always know where you stand with him. Just don't do business with him!

Revati: It all ends here.

"We've seen our share of ups and downs
Oh how quickly life can turn around
In an instant
It feels so good to reunite
Within yourself and within your mind
Let's find peace there
When you are with me, I'm free
I'm careless, I believe
Above all the others we'll fly
This brings tears to my eyes"

It is the best of times. It is the worst of times.

Things move uneasily beneath the surface. I know now how mute people feel. People who have no idea of the concept of verbal expression. I cannot express what I cannot comprehend. Nameless, shapeless, dark fears. Bright sunny days. Long dark nights.

I used to think I wrote well. Now I realise I'm full of (sh)it. Good writers are those who can portray their emotions through their words. Whacked by my own yardstick.

I wonder if this is how it feels when your world begins to crumble. All the truths and the lies swim together to make a large collage. It's tough to separate them, you know. Live the lie. Truth be told, I don't know what the truth is anymore.

Help.

"You ask about my consience
And I offer you my soul
You ask If I'll grow to be a wise man
Well I ask if I'll grow old
You ask me if I known love
And what it's like to sing songs in the rain
Well,I've seen love come
And I've seen it shot down
I've seen it die in vain"