After years of exhaustive research, I have decided that the position of India's top mass-produced chocolate ice-cream must be shared between Dairy Day, and Amul. Both, in their own way, are mindbogglingly good.

Dairy Day brings to the table (and the bowl) a very deep, dark flavour. Dare I say it, a South Indian interpretation of chocolate. The underlying current, though, is rather shallow. The knockout punch is seemingly delivered in the first bite, but then it falls flat on itself. Yet, it is the sort of ice-cream that you will not hesitate to rob small children of. Cheap too.

Amul. That very word brings to the mind's eye countless Gujarati ben-folk massaging bovine udders, dressed in all manner of shiny colourful mirror-festooned lehengas, singing "Jahaan doodh ki nadiyan behti hai...". Unfortunately, chocolate is something that comes from Brazil. And messrs Kurien, Modi, Patel and Anand haven't quite mastered that yet. It tastes like Amul milk chocolate. And that was more milk than chocolate. Amul chocolate was for the cheap parents who wanted to make sure their kid got his share of doodh and did his bit for the poor. And it still brings those feelings to the fore. But still, a very very good ice-cream.

Unlike our friends from Kwality Walls. I mean, what sort of a name is that anyway? Is Q-U-A-L-I-T-Y such a tough ask? And walls? Don't they hold people in, like in prison? Or school? What sort of kid wants to be reminded of school while eating ice-cream? AND IT'S NOT EVEN ICE-CREAM!!! It's low-fat frozen yogurt slim light delight CRAP. We want FAT! We are Indians, we don't do diet! Go away! And don't give us the world's favourite bloody dessert, the Youbetta!

Blech.

But I hear Mother Dairy is coming to town. That means a whole new review system in place, for 3 separate competitors. It's a tough job...